Rachel's Dating Diary

#1 Under My Spell...

Diary Dateline: February 12, 2004, Boston, Massachusetts

…Big Night: F.O.R. (friend of Rachel) and I Throw Valentine's Day Protest Party!

Oooohhhh, another bitterly cold and wintry Wednesday night in Boston. Have big plans though as gorgeous F.O.R. (Friend of Rachel) and I are throwing Valentine's Day Protest Party. Both single and happy about it but are sick of being questioned about our respective singledom everywhere we go!

Constantly have to hear things like, "So you've never been married? You've never even been engaged? Do you have kids?" from all sorts of seemingly normal people who just can't seem to grasp the reality of a 30-something single woman living large in the big city. Whatever.

Sick to death of such nonsense and thus in fit of altruism have decided in order to change attitudes of young jet-set population of our darling city who have dared utter such questions have invited everyone we know to bash in hopes of educating masses, sparking romance in the hearts of the lonely and while we are at it, hunting and gathering digits for us!

So, after squeezing into torturous constricting undergarments and sleek black ensemble with ridiculously high heels am off to pre-party drink with potential swain delivered to me by well-meaning (MARRIED) sister. Look quite fetching as perch at bar of No. 9 Park, hot see and be seen Boston bar/restaurant, awaiting arrival of swain.

Swain arrives, spots me, swaggers up to bar and confesses practically in first breath that he is in one-year relationship! Hmmm, quite cute and wouldn't you know it TALL too dammit. But is instantly and all too abundantly clear to moi that his plan is to implicate ME in HIS attempt at infidelity! AS IF!

As counter-attack to his maneuvers immediately order very expensive glass of champagne and begin to slurp down at rapid and most likely ill-advised pace.

Decide I feel quite sorry for poor left-at-home girlfriend (whose name he refuses to share and thus I christen her "poor little Cindy Lou Who") and know with certainty that this is one swain can do without! But am stuck now so decide to utilize powerful psychotherapeutic techniques learned in job to elicit personal history/information from this rascal of a date (his fear of commitment, his familial issues, blah, blah, blah…yeah right buddy, that might be how you suck some woman into your little world of girl on the side/sloppy seconds scenario, but you obviously don't know who you are dealing with!)

Awestruck by my ability to uncover the TRUE, yet usually, hidden "HIM" he begins to gaze at me with glassy eyes and falls into trancelike state, swiveling in seat to face me in noticeably alpha-male type posture, repeatedly touching my knee (did I mention am wearing fabulously short in length yet high in waist French-designed skirt purchased at Anthropologie off sale rack? Too fabu!) and wanting me to know "EVERYTHING" about "HIM." Hmmm: Is almost too easy really, not unlike Crocodile Dundee hypnotizing water buffalo! Can almost hear Didjeridu (Australian Aboriginal) music playing along in soundtrack of our date.

Note-to-self: must remember that this is technique that will be useful in scaring away future cheating infidels. Am convinced that he will wake up tomorrow thinking "Holy %$#@! Can never, ever, call that woman again - she has some sort of voodoo powers that she used on me last night and I fell right into her trap! If I am not careful will be married with three children before the spring thaw!"

Good riddance say I.

Another note-to-self: Remember when encounter future potential swains refrain from any and all voodoo techniques have learned as may backfire with normal man!

Quickly grow weary of game/date and suggest gently to now near zombie of a swain, that we depart for V-day Protest Party as I am after all co-hostess of party and he is SO profoundly complicated cannot possibly figure out everything about him in one date/session and that I am only human after all and that will be $150.00 please! J.K. (just kidding)

Enter party and introduce Swain as my "un-date", pawn him off on well-meaning (married) sister and spouse and proceed to flirt with other potentially available males in attendance. By end of night have not only collected digits but have paired single women up with single men (even saw lip lock down by lounge area!) and am delighted that love is indeed in the air, almost feel like super-heroine of love! Have brought the lonely hearts together and now perhaps some of these lucky women will be visited by the florist this Friday, Valentines' Day.

Am leaving with digits and date on horizon. My cup truly runneth over. Where will I find the time for all of these swains!!!

Note-to-self: be sure to dress as Aphrodite next Halloween as have truly earned right to call myself the goddess/vixen of love…

#1A Lessons Rachel Has Learned About Dating...

Diary Dateline: February 13, 2004, Boston, Massachusetts, 2 a.m.

Am resolved will keep track of Lessons Rachel Has Learned About Dating so that women everywhere who are smart enough to log onto GBs.com will benefit from my experiences - forewarned is forearmed ladies!

L.R.H.L.A.D. (lessons Rachel has learned about dating) #1:

L.R.H.L.A.D. #1 - remember swain who falls in love too fast is projecting self on to victim/ME and is like Narcissus gazing into pool/MY EYES and seeing his own SELF reflected back in a glorious manner that ensures he will forget everything but trying to sustain ability to bask in glow of his splendor via ME/vessel for short amount of time (usually about 6-8 weeks) whereupon his ardor will fade and he will ditch me and move onto next poor unsuspecting (victim) without ever discovering that his process is not honorable or even potentially successful as recipe for finding true love!. (see installment #1)

And speaking of bad behavior, flashback to a "MATCH.dud" date over summer. Have been dying to share my both unbelievable and hideous dating adventures with appreciative audience. Here is doosie!

B.T.W. (by the way) have I mentioned "MATCH.dud," where the odds are good but the goods are certainly odd??? Well, thanks to those "matchmakers", and I use the term lightly (!), last summer, after making initial foray into world of online dating possibilities, was preyed upon by adorable and formerly internationally known snowboarding rapscallion from Western state who had the most nefarious of intentions in store for me!

He, of course, managed to shield said intentions from view by whisking me off to his artistic and aristocrat family's private island where I met entire extended artistic and aristocrat family on second date(!), wooed me with horseback riding and moonlight kisses, haunted ancient island mansion, adorable twin nieces, and then, well I can't give away all the details here...

Let's just say I managed to remove my pretty little head from oppressive cloud cover and escape his too much, too soon clutches after much heartbreak and agony, not to mention the cashing in of my remaining frequent flier miles for a visit to Aspen, OUCH!, but as it turns out thank goodness it ended as it did or would never have been able to share L.R.H.L.A.D. with woman everywhere!!! Ahhh, do so love happy endings…

So now let the adventures continue!

#2 Post Protest Party Update...

Diary Dateline: February 13, 2004, Boston, Massachusetts

Post Protest Party Update…

Have finally managed to catch breath mere 13 hours after removal of torturous undergarments and ridiculously high heels. Feel have suffered for my art by tottering around in such a get up late into night, but as we all know, cannot properly swashbuckle in flats now can we? Am pretty sure bleeding stumps that were formerly my feel will "heel up" in next couple of weeks…Heh. Get it? HEEL up? Heh. Crack myself up!

Anyway, am happy to be wearing unassuming work clothes, of course unassuming for moi translates into fabu leather pants (BCBG sale rack) and smashing new pimp-style sweater (Jasmine Sola sale rack - SCORE!), perhaps a tad inappropriate since work is researcher at B. school of self-proclaimed and if you ask moi a tad overblown "most prestigious University in WORLD"! But heck, am practically like librarian here, can go for days without seeing a soul around here while applying myself diligently to the pursuit of plumbing depths of unconscious thinking of world's consumers. Ah me, the responsibility that rests upon my delicate white shoulders is sometimes almost too much to bear…

But I digress with fashion report and talk of my creamy white skin…onto the update…

ON TO RECENT DEVELOPMENTS!

…it is morning after having created quite a stir in Boston singles scene with our smashingly successful Protest Party but have just learned much to my chagrin that while busily fending off advances of hunky and tall, yet romantically entangled swain (see installment #1), wretched, beautiful, stick-thin, co-hostess of party tried to steal thunder and monopolize press and had pictures taken of HER when I was in loo!!!

But little does she know I was keeping careful notes and will expose her for the press-hog that she is in RACHEL's DATING DIARY! Heh heh heh... Of course mean her no ill will, want all to find happiness and true love, but think am long overdue for appreciation from masses so what can you do? Perhaps will be generous and let her know all about delicious men of GB.com and other "HE-Bay" type shopping sites for if she too finds true love then will be happy endings all around…

#3 Snow Date...

Diary Dateline: March 2004, Boston, Massachusetts

SNOW DATE!

What a world. On way to lunch date with first of what is hopefully long line of GBs! I have plucked him from obscurity of GB.com and am ready to have at! Have braved most furious of New England weather - neither rain nor sleet nor blizzard of century, can keep me from my first GBs.com date! Am very excited. And would like to point out that am truly the hardiest of daters.

And on bright side, don't have to squeeze into torturous undergarments for this little outing. Instead have donned big bulky sweater and Canada boots and am resplendent in cowboy hat as I stumble through deserted streets to meet date for lunch in burger joint in slums of Allston.

Hmmm… am a little worried as can't seem to see hand in front of my face, never mind street signs. Is possible am not even looking as cute and think but rather like Abominable snowman in this get up? But heck, it is the blizzard of the century and last century now that you mention it. Whatever.

Hard time seeing as pretty much white-out conditions. OK starting to panic a wee bit. What am I nuts? Should I even be out here??? Arggghhh! Yikes. Frost-bite would most certainly be sad ending to dating adventures! Hope this isn't my final entry…

But, never fear dear diary, am greatly rewarded for Herculean efforts as lovely GB is nice and entertaining and we share lovely lunch in deserted restaurant.

Note-to-self: remember most women not as bold and adventurous as me so instead of battling elements in search of love have opted to sit at home and ride storm out in flannel jammies with ice cream and Oprah. Goodie! All the more GBs for me!!!

Greatly enjoyed self today during dating hijinks - after lunch accompanied GB on test drive of L.P.V. (luxury performance vehicle)! Very fun.

But in midst of thrills chills and spills and occasional snow induced spin outs - threat of war and terror still perpetually on mind. Even more so today as streets eerily deserted due to immense droppage of snow from heavens. Has turned city into one big beautiful snow globe but Robert Frost-like nature vibe just temporarily masking nefarious doings at home and abroad.

note-to-readers: see below for movie rec. of "Unfaithful" in which snow globe plays star role, and ladies, run, don't walk, to video store to pick this hot tamale up! Especially if you find yourself snowed in alone or even better, with virile young lad or if all else fails, your husband.

Anyway, after consuming a healthy dose of very scary Nightline program and the glorious Mr. Charlie Rose (sigggghhhhh, god how love that man!) the previous evening have begun to wonder if dating like wild woman is really the thing to do right now. Perhaps would be more effective to be organizing letter writing campaign to President and my lovely Democratic senators from Massachusetts, or stockpile water and food supplies for me and cat, or maybe build attack shelter in living room??? B.T.W. (by the way) How does one accomplish such a task? What do you build it out of? And what if it doesn't fit in living room? I can't even begin to imagine!

Anyway am resolved, if must sit in attack shelter for days waiting to die from poison water or air will be much better scenario to have hunky GB to amuse self and cat during confinement. Hah! Therefore must continue on dating adventures unfettered by threats!

Refuse to shop however, though President and cronies trying to convince me that consumption of Home Despot products is answer to world's problems. Must draw line at such nonsense. I love shopping as much as the next girl but please! P.U.s (Parental Units) did not raise four Democrat daughters to fall in step with those marching orders!

In fact, speaking of P.U.s, they are at this very moment mounting protest campaign against administration's war activities from "anti-war room" in Cape Cod abode/bunker, marrying modern day technology with their 1960's sensibilities! LOVE it!

However, must reign pride in just a bit as it appears that grasping usage of technologically advanced talking devices (cell phones) continues to elude P.U.s. Have explained over and over that in order to utilize said phones properly must actually turn on so in case of terror threat can call to chat. Why this seems helpful not sure, but like to at least have option!

In midst of musings of fear happen to glance over at cat. Look at cat. What a fine fellow indeed! Will strive to be more like him, curled up, not a care in world. Ready to greet each day with a meow and a bit of a cuddle. Seems so content- am resolved to think like cat - now is the now!

Carpe Deim!

Note-to-self: as continue on dating escapades think about idea of applying Cat rating scale to swains. Will attempt to determine if swain can measure up to cat. Can man snuggle, spoon and gaze up at me with look of utter and complete contentment and bliss as does cat on many a luxuriously long and restful Saturday morning? Can man remain locked in proper spooning position for long hours at a stretch and occasionally utter sigh of contentment at mere thrill of snuggling under covers with moi? Is this too much to ask or is it very scientific and most excellent litmus test?…

Stay tuned as hopefully all will be revealed…

#4 Coo-Coo-Coo-Chu Mrs. Robinson

SOMEBODY STOP ME!
I’M DATING A TODDLER!

Diary Dateline: March, 2004, Boston, Massachusetts

Becoming dating goddess of Boston has turned me into monster! The words "so when did you graduate?" actually came out of my pretty little mouth today as have embarked upon journey of house hunting (ok-well, condo hunting) with assistance of oh-so-virile lad (meaning YOUNG!) who is eager to make a sale!

Have learned house-hunting is MOST fun kind of shopping ever! No disturbing episodes of standing before hideous 3-way mirrors under sizzling fluorescent lights while trying to assess fit, color, quality, price all the while sucking breath in so hard as to render brain useless so that fit, color, quality and price become unquantifiable. Typically this results in poor purchasing decisions of fatally trendy and quite often very trashy garments that will just send you scurrying back to the mall the next week anyway. Hmmmmn...

Note-to-self: remember next time urge to shop for new frock hits that this is all part of EVIL retailing conspiracy that has been waged against poor unsuspecting consumers (meaning WOMEN) since the dawn of time.

But I DIGRESS!…

Anyway, house-hunting not only saves you from much oxygen deprivation and ensuing giddiness, but actually thrusts you into arms of adorable realtors panting to call you at all hours and offering to drive you around in their car and focus on one thing: MAKING YOU HAPPY! Eegads what a concept!

Well, ok, when push comes to shove (from my lips to God's ears with the lad I met today, please God!) adorable realtors will probably eventually revert to non-courting type selfish behaviors (more on that to come, I promise) but I say make hay while sun shines! Can potentially line up three or four hunks at a time to squire me about town.

The best part is whenever they show a "property" as they like to call them, can just hem, haw and ultimately gently decline with vague comments like "the hallway seems sort of dark, doesn't it?" while batting eyes up at REALTOR BOY signifying that am helpless to help self and are imploring HIM to help ME by finding ME my heart's desire.

Desperate to make sale, REALTOR BOY will rack brains and ply me with still more offerings (in my case dank and smelly starter-condos in rough neighborhoods, but heck we all have to start somewhere) leaving me sighing heavily with much heaving of my delicate and scantily v-neck clad bosom and casting about helplessly for the right words that will enable him understand what it is that will truly make me happy. Purrrrrrfect!

Not to mention if don't have lots of dates lined up at moment then most of this can take place on weekends and during lunch hours-so can pretend are on dates and if nothing else size up local real estate market for future investments while practicing flirting and dating behaviors. A real WIN-WIN, I say!

Stay tuned as am about to put theory into practice!

#5 Coo-Coo-Coo-Chu Mrs. Robinson, Part Deux

SOMEBODY STOP ME!
I’M DATING A TODDLER!

Diary Dateline: April 11, 2004, Boston, Massachusetts

"Dear E. Jean,

Shall I let swains know about diary or keep hush hush??? Swains have been leaving me messages wondering if they take me on date will they end up in column? I think probably guy for me would be delighted to be featured in RACHEL'S DATING DIARY. What do you think? I await your answer with agonized anticipation Your Most Glorious One!
   As ever,
   -Rachel"

"Dear Rachel,

If they can't handle your brilliance then onto the next one! Good luck with dating adventures!
   -E. Jean"

…So today in order to prove greatness of newfound shopping fun/house buying=cute young swains theory, practically devoured darling young REALTOR BOY on icy streets of Boston. So determined to secure date with this luscious and former college basketball star lad was I, as he was 6'6'' and I in all my fabulosity am just squeaking in just under 5'11" myself.

Not to mention that the thought of flinging myself into this boy's arms and for once having opportunity to be gazing up into a man's eyes instead of down at his part was an all too powerful and heady intoxicant.

Cut to: Me in car quickly dialing up F.O.R. on mobile between stops at condos in offing by said swain/realty boy (of course refused his kind offer of driving me around and took my own car - please refer to LRHLAD #3 always take your own car!).

F.O.R. advised that as I had age advantage over this colossal tower of a man that he would be unused to idea of women asking him out and could therefore catch him off-guard (when was in my twenties thought never occurred to me as had boyfriend so was always beating admirers off with a stick! Can hardly stand to think of all the lads I passed up unwittingly by devoting myself to one man, love him though I did. UGH!).

Young and impressionable though the boy was, he did have the height advantage, which definitely made him a bit of an enigma! A man this adorable and this tall is a unique and rare specimen and falls into a genus/species all unto his own.

Deduced that would have to handle him as delicately as possibly as though he were a beautiful butterfly who had landed in my hands and it was my duty to protect him from harm….Sigggghhhhh….

…Anyway, so much for strategy as am ARIES after all (talk about yourself a little more why don't you Rach???) so of course passions got better of me and suddenly was pitching woo with my best impression of indomitable Samantha Jones Public Relations vixen a-la Kim Cattral! Not exactly gentle or delicate. OYE!

As was pouring it on and batting my baby blues thought maybe this was better approach after all as with this type of full court press (see NCAA finals for basketball reference) he would be helpless to fend off my charms and really a butterfly net is a much better way of securing rare specimen.

And let's face it, what are the odds really that some rare butterfly is actually going to just land in your hands anyway??? Perhaps would be a POW, WHAM, ZING, kind of thing and he would be so shocked by my coquetry that in his dumbfounded state would agree to my proposed non-business related dinner outing or any other type of invitation I might be offering him come to think of it! (please see L.R.H.L.A.D.: #2- "let it rip).

By this time I was simply buzzing with attraction for lad so gave him my card and told him was free for dinner Thursday. This mating dance went on for about 45 minutes but eventually had to return to work and so regretfully tore myself away. And, as it turns out he is seeing someone so though sadly it may not happen with THIS laddie it's given shape to perfect and radically new idea/plan.

It is, dare I say, the solution I have been searching for? What better for me than a boy of 26! He will be able to keep up and will not be beaten down by the cruelties of life yet but rather will be full of youthful optimism and a "joie de vivre" that will rival only precious cat-o-mine when said cat has been given a fresh catnip salad!

What could be better and more fun! I will be reborn by basking in glow of HIS youthful energy and optimism and he will in turn benefit from MY life experience! PERFECT!

And let's face it after all, am very immature so a perfect fit! Of course his parents may not be ready to welcome my cradle-robbing self into the fold, but if I make him happy then heck, I say I am the girl for him! (oops, getting carried away as need actual AVAILABLE 26 yr old specimen in order to get moving on this new plan).

Note to self: subject is so young is entirely possible will not get reference to Ms. Robinson, and my humor may be wasted on younger men? Hmmmn...def. food for thought as could be problem…

And did I mention that he was TALL? Sighhhhh…

Anyway, to be continued, I hope…!

#6 Coo-Coo-Coo-Chu Mrs. Robinson, Part Tres (if you can believe it!)

SOMEBODY STOP ME!
I’M DATING A TODDLER!

Diary Dateline: May 1, 2004, Boston, Massachusetts

…Anyway, I am resolved that regardless of young available men, definitely going to advise all F.O.R.s to gather up their collective purchasing power of which females in our demographic possess in spades and get out there and invest in real estate!

The stock market is a big gnarly bear with claws and fangs and losses all around right now so why not take the opportunity to liquidate responsibly, scrounge around for that 10% down and buy yourself a home? (imagine the joys of entertaining young men in your very own home!) In this economy with these interest rates you cannot lose, plus you get a tax break and you position yourself for leveraging property up ,up and up. We can all become real estate tycoons.

Of course Suzy Orman will probably bitch-slap me for this, but don't worry about paying your credit cards off right now! We should be taking our spending power to the streets! Student loans and VISA be damned! Buy! Buy! Buy!

As it turns out F.O.R. and I found a perfect little abode for moi without help of adorable, tall REALTY BOY and I went ahead and made an offer and can hardly wait to begin my new adventures as a home owner! AND once own home will require services of more men, hopefully single and in luscious form of electricians, plumbers, carpenters, etc.

(L.R.H.L.A.D.: #5: man whose mission in life is to provide masses with expensive services tend to have loads of disposable income! Wahoo!)

Never in a million years did I think would get so much pleasure out of new kitchen appliances! Am only one to EVER use them, are mine, all mine! Cannot wait to start hosting fabu dinner soirees cooking sumptuous meals on new stove and wowing my culinary fans with tasty treats learned from eight years living in gorgeous and healthy San Francisco. These Bostonians have no idea what is about to hit them!

Think more women should eat in and/or learn to cook and dare I say, STOP buying pair after pair of unnecessary and painful, high-heeled over-priced, impossible to walk in shoes! Stop buying anything and STRETCH whatever resources are to grab a home of own - we can all be real estate baronesses if stop frittering away hard-earned currency on frivolous items and lock into low, low, low interest rates right now!

Am resolved will from this day forth resist the offerings of the Jimmy Choo's of this world. What has he done for me lately other than make me limp and need to enlist services of podiatrist? Though come to think of it could be opportunity to meet single, cute doctor and how mother would LOVE that!

But wait, must make life all about me and my choices! Having a plan of action will undoubtedly put spring in step and a sparkle in eyes that will have devastating and intriguing effect on men. Lads will surely be chasing me down the street in hopes of catching me and revealing what my secret is that keeps that happy and mysterious smile pasted on this gorgeous face and wondering how oh how can he be the lucky ONE to capture MY heart.

Remember, too that if log onto GB.com might get some dates with generous lads who want to spot me for dinner (remember all part of master plan to stretch self as far as is safe for financial situation and accumulating that 10% down - am determined to think of as YOGA for finances.) Heh.

#7 I Am the Margaret Mead of Dating...

Diary Dateline: November, 2004, Boston, Massachusetts

Have heard that the fans have been clamoring to hear more about my love adventures. Am both touched and humbled by accolades for moi. AND am so sorry have had no time to write lately but with new plan to capture heart of a young’n and buying and settling into new house have been busiest woman on planet! But fortunately for Rachel’s Dating Diary, as ever, new adventures have ensued.

And old plan is out window as new plan has emerged! And all because have encountered fascinating specimen of a man so alien to my reality as to leave head positively spinning! I mean, I want to snag this delectable lad in my butterfly net, bring him to the Smithsonian (http://www.si.edu/) and pin him down under glass like a beautiful little butterfly!

Scene: It was Veterans Day in Boston and with F.O.R. in tow, joined friends at watering hole in Charlestown Navy Yard, brick yuppie enclave on waterfront, for requisite reveling, fun and New England Boiled Dinner (BTW: am sure my fabulously fun Irish rellies wouldn’t be caught dead eating such a thing but heck, let’s let America have its fantasy about the Irish being just a bunch of alcoholic leprechauns who eat nothing but potatoes - we who are of Irish descent know the truth, that the Irish saved civilization. Well, at least that’s what my dad always tells us!

BTW: highly recommend, How the Irish Saved Civilization: The Untold Story of Ireland's Heroic Role from the Fall of Rome to the Rise of Medieval Europe by, Thomas Cahill, and the fabulous Boston Globe reporter Maureen Dezel’s, Coming Into Clover, two fascinating reads about what really means to be descended from the oh’so’glorious CELTS!

But of course I digress…back to my close encounter with swain seemingly from alien world.

My fascinating specimen offered me seat at bar and authoritatively shushed crowd to listen to President who was at that moment speaking about situation in Iraq on the telly. Was most happy he took charge of situation and allowed me to hear what President was decreeing.

Of course such goings on lead to our striking up a getting-to-know-you conversation. Realized immediately could not understand one word uttered by lad as he had most adorable DEEP southern accent. As was born and raised on the shores of exquisite seaside/PREPPY enclave on Boston’s north shore and parental units really do “Pahhhk the Cah in Hahhhvuhd Yahhhd”, seized opportunity to lean in close and attempt lip reading.

Did I mention too that this handsome specimen was sporting Vin Diesel do, (why are bald men so hot, hot hot? I truly pant for them!) and that combined with the exotic accent was enough to send me into a full-on swoon! Jane Austen could not have written it any better. AND learned that the poor thing has been simply pining away from loneliness during his six months in lovely Boston, sadly a city renowned for its masses of terribly rude and unfriendly people. Quel tragedie indeed.

I sympathized breathily with much batting of eyes, tossing of hair and heaving of bosom, assuring him that I understood his pain and anguish as during my long seven year stay in beautiful San Francisco had been charmed and delighted by the simply oodles of friendly West Coasters I encountered, much to my Yankee astonishment. Agreed that Boston could use a large dose of southern hospitality upon which he offered to buy me a refresco (as this dive of a bar had no reputable champagnes to offer me was sticking with non-alcoholic beverage) that I accepted for myself and for F.O.R., a rather tall and frosty G&T (her signature drink).

Was truly ENCHANTED with Specimen as he and I could not be more different! He South, me North. He gun rack/truck, me Volvo, He hunter, me practically vegetarian. He hunting dog, me house cat. He horse breaker, me horse lover. He living in New Hampshire the “Live Free or Die” state, me living in Massachusetts, bastion of the liberal “intelligencia” and home to “The People’s Republic of Cambridge” as it is called.

The list goes on and on, but for some reason was feeling all-aflutter. Also, seemed to have developed adorable southern accent of my own as had my now quite tipsy F.O.R.. His accent was too seductive for us to not start to emulate his adorable drawl. Elvis was definitely in the building!

Oh dear, what is wrong with me? When fell for last “bad boy” at least he was a poser as was actually aristocrat of a “bad boy” whose biggest act of rebellion was not going to college and living life as pro sports nomad! This appeared to be the REAL DEAL but I couldn’t help myself, kept flirting away with assists by F.O.R./wingman and found self falling under his spell.

For all I knew, this guy could quite literally be planning on turning my precious cat into a pair of earmuffs with matching gloves for Christmas!

“I never kill anything I don’t eat,’ he assured me leaving me marveling at the sheer HETERO-ness of this lad.

How refreshing! He was a by-God ANIMAL this one and I was apparently turning into a she-wolf in heat simply by being near him! Next stop, baying at the moon outside his log cabin in the mountains! Perhaps have lived for too long as captive of polite society and he TARZAN and me JANE? EEK!!!

Just thinking of the possibilities set my heart racing. He could teach me to shoot and I could learn to skin a deer and make boots and a lovely, herb-infused venison ragout all in the same afternoon! He had the rough hands of a man who has known a hard days’ labor (well at moment so do I but this cold winter weather is a real bitch!) Such a man is unknown to me! Perhaps is kind of man we ALL need. Hmmmn…

Of course when all was said and done I gave up the digits and off he went assuring me that he would definitely be in touch “wich” me. Cannot even IMAGINE where such a specimen will take me on a date. And what on earth will I wear? Hmmm, do have that little Reese Witherspoon-esque “Sweet Home Alabama” outfit I have been saving for right occasion, perhaps time to trot it out. Brown suede, off-the-shoulder number with cowboy boots are at the ready thanks to recent expedition to bargain heaven, Filene’s Basement. (L.R.H.L.A.D. #11, always have emergency date outfit on stand-by)

Note to self: make first date with this man a double, safety in numbers. F.O.R.’s will definitely be included. It is really all too delicious and fun. Plus F.O.R. is looking forward to meeting a man named Bubba and calling him “son”.

Did I mention the best part is that he has a twin? I think we’ve all had that fantasy – ‘nuff said. Too bad my gorgeous well-meaning (MARRIED) twin sis’ is already happily ensconced in her palatial home in Manchester by the Sea with her adorable twin babies and prickly pre-adolescent. Could have doubled. But enough about married people, did I mention that he works on a barge laying natural gas pipeline with 350 men!

How lucky am I? How lucky are F.O.R.’s that am about to deliver up 350 able bodied manly men?

Flashback to days when I was but a lass of 18. Blonde and adorably sassy F.O.R., who have known and loved since was six months old, decided while drinking Bartles and James wine coolers (I know, but heck, it was the 80’s!) on beach late at night that needed to find loo so staggered off over dunes. Five minutes later said adorable blonde reappeared with a minor league baseball TEAM, that’s right a TEAM, in FULL UNIFROM, in tow!

She became like a goddess to us all that night and retains her status to this day! We stayed up all night with the team, went boating and swimming on their lake and drank as I recall more than our fair share of those disgusting wine coolers…Oh to be young…

But back to the here and the now…

Will be sure to try and interview many of said 350 manly men for new section of Great Boyfriends.com “The Pipe Laying Men of GB.com”. Can just see the photos and as am trained in art of photography perhaps can actually take the pictures! Ok, can’t even think about that right now as will become too excited to type! Of course, all potential manly men will have to be personally by moi screened prior to being posted!

#7A Uh-oh...

Dateline: same night but its $%*@%$ing 12:30am for god’s sake - I’m trying to sleep!

Uh oh, can hear cell phone ringing in living room. (L.R.H.L.A.D.: #7 never give out your home number to anyone!) Message from my known heretofore as “Bayou Boy” boyfriend saying if you can believe this one, “I will be in touch wich’ you”, once again. Exactly what does that mean I wonder?

Perhaps is HE who has fallen under MY spell! Think should quit job and begin cross-country odyssey of dating with speciMENs from all regions of my fair country.

Tipsy and quite hilarious F.O.R. on way home told me that she could never in a million years have imagined that this was hombre for me or that I might possibly someday utter the words, “I Rachel, take you, Bayou Boy…” Hee Hee Hee…

Stay tuned….

#8 Ex-husbands.dud...

Diary Dateline: November 2004, Boston, Massachusetts

Most fabulous mid-western F.O.R. just called with very disturbing news. Her ex-husband has surfaced on "Match.dud" or should we call it EX-HUSBANDS.Dud!!!

In his profile he waxes rhapsodic about how he is looking for someone to go SKINNY-DIPPING with and how looks are soooooooooooo important to him. AS IF!

Too bad he left out the bit about being a depressed, CHEATING, alcoholic! Really, this guy is so toxic his dates should don protective HAZ-MET suits like in movie “Outbreak” before daring to even meet him for coffee at Starbuck’s! Makes us think there should be rating system for users of EX-HUSBANDS.Dud to warn off poor unsuspecting lovelorns.

Envision 5-star system like on Amazon.com where each dud is graded according to dating abilities: LISTENING, gallantry, conversation, LISTENING, sense of humor, and did I mention LISTENING??? Then poor unsuspectings could get it from the filly’s mouth, so to speak, what the real 411 is on these men!

And let me tell you the duds love to tell you in their profile about how they are looking for “a woman who is as comfortable in jeans as in a little black dress, blah blah blah”, and “I have no baggage so you should leave yours at the door, blah blah blah”, what the $%^# does this mean? Is someone being paid to write this blather and then pawn it off on every dud in town to use in his profile?

Have these boyos ever worn a little black dress? Have they ever walked for miles in stiletto heels in search of a cab? Have they ever wriggled themselves into a pair of pantyhose or dragged themselves around the mall for hours on end searching for the appropriate foundation garments to go with said lil' black dress? I think not.

For God’s sake men why do you think the lovely Mr. Levi-Strauss invented bluejeans anyway? To give us a break from wearing those above mentioned torturous ensembles! Gak!

My mother has even browsed the online wares out of curiosity about what all the fuss is about online dating (she herself has been blissfully wed to my darling daddy for absolute decades). I logged her on so she could take a whack at browsing the duds online and immediately noticed some sort of odd visual cue that kept reappearing in picture after picture. We have yet to decipher said code, perhaps you darling readers can help us understand?

In many of these pictures the men have positioned themselves with one leg in a sort of up and bent position. What is meaning of this posture? Mumsie thinks is clear sign of latent homosexuality and if so is concerned that said men are pawning selves off as HETEROS on poor unsuspecting lovelorns! Eeegads, quel tragedie indeed!

Must consult with brilliant psychologist F.O.R. to determine what is meaning of these poses…But, I digress as usual…

At end of day have counseled delightful F.O.R. with loser ex-hubby to immediately open hotmail account with handle like greathooters4U@hotmail.com or some such nonsense and begin email correspondence with said Ex pretending to be a lass in heat who is just panting to meet him.

Then she could arrange a meeting and when big day comes at long last show up at meeting place with beautiful children he abandoned and say, “Well bless my sainted Aunt,” and “Oh my stars! Whatever brings YOU to this neighborhood?” batting her big brown eyes at him in wonderment, the absolute picture of innocence?

Crazed squirming will undoubtedly ensue on his part and if anyone deserves such treatment it is this guy. If he honestly thinks anyone is going skinny-dipping with him he is DREAMING one big soggy dream. Best he could possibly hope for is that he could adopt some sort of water-centric canine and entice her to swim in the buff with him!

Good plan seems to be crawling under the bed and staying there until it is safe to come out...if this is what is out there waiting for single girls what, oh what, are we all to do??? Sigghhhhh.

Stay tuned...