Diary Dateline: November 2004, Boston, Massachusetts
Most fabulous mid-western F.O.R. just called with very disturbing news. Her ex-husband has surfaced on "Match.dud" or should we call it EX-HUSBANDS.Dud!!!
In his profile he waxes rhapsodic about how he is looking for someone to go SKINNY-DIPPING with and how looks are soooooooooooo important to him. AS IF!
Too bad he left out the bit about being a depressed, CHEATING, alcoholic! Really, this guy is so toxic his dates should don protective HAZ-MET suits like in movie “Outbreak” before daring to even meet him for coffee at Starbuck’s! Makes us think there should be rating system for users of EX-HUSBANDS.Dud to warn off poor unsuspecting lovelorns.
Envision 5-star system like on Amazon.com where each dud is graded according to dating abilities: LISTENING, gallantry, conversation, LISTENING, sense of humor, and did I mention LISTENING??? Then poor unsuspectings could get it from the filly’s mouth, so to speak, what the real 411 is on these men!
And let me tell you the duds love to tell you in their profile about how they are looking for “a woman who is as comfortable in jeans as in a little black dress, blah blah blah”, and “I have no baggage so you should leave yours at the door, blah blah blah”, what the $%^# does this mean? Is someone being paid to write this blather and then pawn it off on every dud in town to use in his profile?
Have these boyos ever worn a little black dress? Have they ever walked for miles in stiletto heels in search of a cab? Have they ever wriggled themselves into a pair of pantyhose or dragged themselves around the mall for hours on end searching for the appropriate foundation garments to go with said lil' black dress? I think not.
For God’s sake men why do you think the lovely Mr. Levi-Strauss invented bluejeans anyway? To give us a break from wearing those above mentioned torturous ensembles! Gak!
My mother has even browsed the online wares out of curiosity about what all the fuss is about online dating (she herself has been blissfully wed to my darling daddy for absolute decades). I logged her on so she could take a whack at browsing the duds online and immediately noticed some sort of odd visual cue that kept reappearing in picture after picture. We have yet to decipher said code, perhaps you darling readers can help us understand?
In many of these pictures the men have positioned themselves with one leg in a sort of up and bent position. What is meaning of this posture? Mumsie thinks is clear sign of latent homosexuality and if so is concerned that said men are pawning selves off as HETEROS on poor unsuspecting lovelorns! Eeegads, quel tragedie indeed!
Must consult with brilliant psychologist F.O.R. to determine what is meaning of these poses…But, I digress as usual…
At end of day have counseled delightful F.O.R. with loser ex-hubby to immediately open hotmail account with handle like greathooters4U@hotmail.com or some such nonsense and begin email correspondence with said Ex pretending to be a lass in heat who is just panting to meet him.
Then she could arrange a meeting and when big day comes at long last show up at meeting place with beautiful children he abandoned and say, “Well bless my sainted Aunt,” and “Oh my stars! Whatever brings YOU to this neighborhood?” batting her big brown eyes at him in wonderment, the absolute picture of innocence?
Crazed squirming will undoubtedly ensue on his part and if anyone deserves such treatment it is this guy. If he honestly thinks anyone is going skinny-dipping with him he is DREAMING one big soggy dream. Best he could possibly hope for is that he could adopt some sort of water-centric canine and entice her to swim in the buff with him!
Good plan seems to be crawling under the bed and staying there until it is safe to come out...if this is what is out there waiting for single girls what, oh what, are we all to do??? Sigghhhhh.
Stay tuned...
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